Dear Nanny M cTelstra, Gov. Optus, Father AFP, IIA MP . and Cardinal Interpol,

Thank you so much for starting to secretly filtering the Australian Internet last week! I know how the government failed to take this bold step recently after public outcry about silly civil liberties and such nonsense so I guess it took real guts and a touch of genius to just go ahead without any form of consultation or bureaucratic “due process”. You guys should be in government!

I often find myself wondering “ew, should I really be looking at this?” so it’s a real comfort now that I can surf the web without a care, knowing you’ve made those difficult choices for me. From this day on I will believe everything I read on the internet. I still worry about libraries, books, email newsletters and magazines etc however, so perhaps you could look into those next. I got a letter the other day saying they could unlock the potential value in my attic with a simple yet stylish dormer window system. This really scared me – how could they possibly know about my savings cash box I keep up there? Perhaps you could help stop these nosy gypsy criminals too – by monitoring the postal system?

It’s refreshing really. When I voted for you there was no mention of this in your manifesto (or product brochure or whatever it’s called these days!). So it’s really nice of you to give that little extra. I didn’t even have to accept your new terms and conditions! Perhaps Apple could learn from this…

Now, I have a few requests. I presume you do requests? There’s this article I saw on ZDNet which says all sorts of bad things about you. It’s probably illegal saying nasty things about the police and the government isn’t it? So if you could filter that out for a start, it’ll be one in the eye for the communists!

Secondly I have a bit of a thing about beards – they’re so scary! So if you could get rid of anything encouraging people to grow beards I’d appreciate it and promise to vote for you if you ever decide to enter the legitimate government.

Oh and lastly my son said he found this link really offensive and couldn’t get the images and the haunting audio out of his mind for days. So if you could block that too (and anything similar) hopefully he’ll go back to school soon.

So thanks again and I’ll drop you another line when I’m doing my tax return – I’ll be thinking of you. See you online!

cheers,

Pip Jones